Church as a Refuge: A Survivor’s Letter About Domestic Violence

Apr 7

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Dear Reader: Before you read, take a deep breath. What follows may bring up strong emotions. I invite you to notice what’s happening in your body and care for yourself accordingly. Give yourself permission to pause and take a few breaths if needed.

This post is inspired by an episode of The Reclaiming HER Resilience Podcast, which I created to recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s important to acknowledge that, according to the Domestic Violence Hotline, more than 12 million people are affected by intimate partner violence each year.[1] That statistic highlights the urgent need for ongoing awareness and understanding around this issue. We must keep this conversation going and support those affected, fostering a compassionate dialogue that can lead to meaningful change inside and outside of the church.

“Are you sure this is what God wants for you?”

“This is just a difficult season. You’ll get through it.”

“Pray for him.”

“Just trust him to lead and be there to support him. Be his helper.”

“I know marriage can be tough, but remember God hates divorce.”

These well-intentioned, yet heartbreaking phrases, feel hollow when someone is suffering in silence and navigating an abusive relationship. I know this all too well. Instead of the compassion and understanding that I craved, I was often met with misguided suggestions on how to fix my marriage and “make it work;” after all, we vowed till death do us part. For many of us, this messaging conceals the harsh reality of living in an abusive relationship, deepens shame, and makes it harder for women to reach out for the support they need. The Church, both as a community of believers and a sacred space, should be a refuge for those seeking comfort and support; unfortunately, that’s not always the case. For some, it is a place of judgment and shame. I was fortunate enough to find solace in a patchwork community that stood by me as I faced the brutal reality of my abusive marriage. Yet, it’s disheartening that in certain instances, the church body may not always provide refuge.

As a story work coach, I often hear women sharing their experiences of enduring toxic relationships due to their faith. After leaving a 23-year marriage, I want to address the church community —the body of Christ. While many in the church are learning and offering support, this message is for those who truly need to listen and internalize it. To create meaningful change, it is crucial to recognize and understand the impact and challenges of domestic violence. I write this letter out of love for the church and deep concern for those who may be suffering in silence within its community.

“I urge you not to question my faith in God or make me feel as if God will be angry with me for seeking safety and life. “

Dear Church,

As I write this during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I want to express a reality that many women like me know all too well. I want you to know that by the time I come to you, I have often spent years praying and hoping for change. I have submitted to him, striving to be a loving partner, to meet his needs, support his endeavors, and work tirelessly to hold our family together. I have tried to keep the peace, be his helper, and protect our children. Yet, despite my efforts, I find myself at a breaking point and can no longer endure the pain. Understand that I am not perfect, but I do not come with bitterness or with what some might call a “Jezebel spirit.” I carry with me feelings of fear, embarrassment, and shame. Please understand that when you suggest that I try harder, keep submitting, or do my part, it dismisses my lived reality and shifts the blame to me for his harmful and sinful actions. Encouraging me to let him lead, as often seen in complementarian traditions, overlooks my experience and an important truth, that there is a difference between healthy, Christ-like leadership and coercive control. Understanding this difference is crucial to creating a true partnership based on love, trust, and mutual respect.

Please don't encourage me to endure or meet his sexual demands when I no longer feel safe, either emotionally or physically. The messages telling me to stay married “no matter what” or “until death do us part” are difficult to reconcile when it feels like danger may come from the person who should be willing to lay down his life for me, as Christ did for his bride, the church. I should not fear the person who vowed to love, honor, and cherish me. As in any relationship, safety and well-being should be a priority.

I urge you not to question my faith in God or make me feel as if God will be angry with me for seeking safety and life. My faith is my anchor and has carried me this far. I hold tightly to that anchor each day.

Church, you’re meant to be a sanctuary and reflect His compassion, rather than heap fear upon me in His name. Church, you are called to be a place of refuge, rather than a source of shame. A community of care, not one that condemns. A reflection of Jesus, who dignified women, lifted the oppressed, and offered hope and healing for everyone.

A Trauma-Informed and Compassionate Response to Domestic Violence

For the church to embody the call to be a place of refuge and restoration for survivors, this is what I ask of you:

Foster a culture of safety and awareness.

In your lessons about justice and protecting the vulnerable, as Jesus did, be straightforward when discussing domestic violence. Address the issue with compassion rather than treating it as taboo. Staying silent implies complicity.

Provide trauma-informed training.

Well-intentioned platitudes aren’t comforting, so equip leaders, small group leaders, and volunteers with training by experts who truly understand the complexity of domestic violence. Offer this training annually. Expand your perspective by reading books authored by experts and survivors. Develop a domestic violence policy that ensures confidentiality and strictly adheres to mandatory reporting laws. Establishing such policies ensures that leaders know what to do and survivors know what to expect.

Ask about safety.

Gently but directly ask me if I feel safe living with my partner and offer a safety plan option.

Offer trauma-informed children’s and youth ministry.

Recognize that my children are also impacted and need safety, support, and care. Prioritize the safety and well-being of every family member, especially the children, over maintaining the appearance of a marriage.

Counsel separately for a season.

Separate counseling allows for care for each of us. It creates a safe space for those who experience abuse to be vulnerable. Counseling separately enables me to share my experiences and feelings without fear of retaliation or punishment. Understand that abuse is not always physical, because there are bruises you will never see.

Partner with Community Resources.

Provide practical support by partnering with community resources for safe housing, financial assistance, referrals, and financial support for professional counseling through community resources.

Hold Abusers Accountable.

Regardless of his standing in the church or community, or how personable or well-liked he may be, expressing remorse is not enough. Genuine repentance means turning away from the sin and real change. It’s imperative to take necessary steps to remove him from positions of authority and influence. Professional help outside of the church, such as participation in a Batterer's Intervention Program led by a certified professional, demonstrates commitment to change.

Enabling him doesn’t serve anyone. Acknowledging him for taking steps is one thing, but he needs to understand that the responsibility for his actions lies solely with him. He must do the work to turn away from the sin of abuse experienced by his family, whether his partner has experienced emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, or physical violence. He must make amends and live differently. He can receive support on his path while being held accountable for his actions. Read the book Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Controlling Men by Abusive Partner Expert Lundy Bancroft to get a complete understanding of what accountability looks like for an abuser.

Allow for Slow Reconciliation.

Reconciliation, as a consideration, takes time; don’t rush it. Allow space for healing and restoration to unfold, rather than forcing a quick resolution. He must show consistent transformation over time. I’m also committed to my healing journey. This process requires two people to be committed to the process.

Be patient with my ambivalence.

I may be ambivalent about reconciling or leaving. If I choose to stay, especially if his actions don't show remorse or a desire for change, please be patient with me. I need a community that will be there for me when I am ready. Understand that, on average, it takes a woman seven attempts before she leaves for good. But if or when I’m ready, be there, show up.

My Decision to Leave.

If I decide to leave the marriage, don’t shun me, pity me, or treat me like I’m fragile; instead, be present with me, allow my tears to flow, encourage me, and empower me by reminding me of my strength and God’s presence and love for me. Help me rebuild spiritually because my spirit has been bruised, too. Help me navigate the process of establishing a new life. Church, I would like to see you embody the heart of Christ. We can start by protecting the vulnerable, honoring and respecting women as Imago Dei, and taking proactive steps and serving as a true refuge. Please let your love for people outweigh your desire to protect your image or appearance. I’m asking you to let your compassion be stronger than your fear of uncomfortable truths.

As a community, we need to do better. Let us strive to create a compassionate space, a refuge, where safety is a value, and hope and healing are possible for all.

Sincerely,

Women Like Me

[1] https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/

‍ ‍ Resources:

National Domestic Violence Abuse Hotline at 1 800 799 SAFE (7233).

Crisis Text Line — Text START to 88788

‍ ‍StrongHearts Native Helpline 1-844-762-8483

‍ ‍International listeners, contact Ending Violence Against Women International

‍ ‍No More.org Global Directory International

‍ ‍Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474, 1-866-331-8453 (TTY)

‍ ‍Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men By Lundy Bancroft

‍ ‍Supporting someone who keeps returning National Domestic Violence Hotline Article